By Rocky Williams
Editor’s note: We will be featuring guest bloggers here from time to time, and since my cat Rocky used to blog regularly on another site, he volunteered to be the first. Take it away, Rocky!
Well hello there. I have been observing this thing called “life” for seven years now, and consider myself something of an expert. I probably shouldn’t be divulging my vast knowledge of the feline mind, but I have nothing better to do at the moment since I’m under House Arrest. I’d much rather be out on gopher patrol, but the Warden (a.k.a. the human who feeds me) has forbidden it.
As a cat, I naturally see things much differently than the Warden and pretty much all humans. My “rule of paw” is that cats are superior to all creatures, and this has served me well. Cats have no masters – we have “staff.” The Warden likes to pretend that she’s the one in charge, but we all know better. She is the maid, kibble dispenser and bowl washer, plain and simple. She exists to do my bidding. When I want to be petted, I am. When I want my treats, I get them…or else! Ha ha. There is no noise quite like a cat being denied his noms.
The feline handbook gives us detailed instructions on how to annoy our humans. It tells us how to wake them up when we want breakfast: walk back and forth over their body, swish our tail in their face and meow with a “I’m dying of starvation here!” intensity that could wake the dead.
The handbook also explains how to perfect the art of getting underfoot so as to trip up our human, just for fun. It instructs us on the intricacies of kitchen counter surfing and how to foil our human’s feeble plans to keep us off of them. Moreover, we know that whatever we find up there is ours, to either eat, play with, or both. I do wish the handbook had told me that cayenne peppers were not good for either, but I suppose there are some things we kitties must learn the hard way.
The cat handbook mandates that everything in the house belongs to us. Yes, everything! Pens, pencils, nail files, hairbrushes and the like make wonderful cat toys. The Warden’s important papers are such fun to chew up, especially right in front of her when I can see her frantic face. We kitties are also quite fond of pushing anything we find on the coffee table or desk onto the floor. That is one great game we never tire of.
People always wonder why cats love to sleep in the sink. They think we should hate it since that’s where water comes from, and everyone knows how we feel about that stuff. Well you see, the sink provides a perfectly-cat-sized place to nap! Moreover, we adore giving unsuspecting humans a fright when they happen upon us curled up in the sink – or in my case, in the Warden’s turkey roasting pan (for the record, the sight of me sleeping in there made her laugh so hard she cried).
If a human has the time and patience to teach us a trick (not an impossible feat by the way) we will on occasion – or rather, when we feel like it – perform that trick. But here’s the thing: we don’t do it to please you, we do it for the food. No noms = no cat trick. Simply put, if you want a pet that will dutifully obey your every command, get a dog.
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