What If Pets Could Text?

November 12, 2015

pet texts daniBy Linda Cole

Most people never leave home without their phone these days. Having the ability to communicate at any time by calling or texting is convenient. Pets don’t have opposable thumbs, which makes it difficult to type…but what if your pet could send a text to let you know what’s going on when you aren’t at home? Here are some of the exchanges that might occur:

Dog: The cat’s being mean 2 me
Human: What do you mean?
Dog: Exactly
Human: No. How is the cat being mean?
Dog: Hissed at me and said KMFB
Cat: Yes, I told the dog to kiss my furry behind
Human: Why?
Cat: I was asleep in his bed when he yanked it out from under me
Human: Well, it is his bed
Cat: He wasn’t using it
Human: Go sleep in your own bed
Cat: Pfffft! That dinky thing? HAW
Human: What’s HAW?
Cat: Look it up on my text abbreviations for tech-savvy felines

Cat: Garbage can ate the dog…again
Cat: OMC! The dog is fighting back
Cat: LMFBO. U R gonna need a new garbage can

Dog: There’s a dead mouse on your pillow
Human: WHAT?!
Cat: It’s a gift, and much better than the one the dog left on the carpet

Cat: Neighbor is at the door again with the Police
Human: Where’s the dog?
Cat: Outside, barking at them
Human: How’d he get outside?
Cat: Don’t know, but there’s a big hole in the wall by the back door

Dog-Animated-no-offerDog: A black and white striped cat just came in through the doggie door
Cat: The dog is playing with the stinky cat
Cat: Bring home air freshener
Cat: Lots n lots of air freshener!

Dog: I smell smoke
Dog: Oh Boy…sirens!
Dog: Firemen just left, they said the smoke should clear out in an hour
Human: WHAT?
Dog: Cat is fine and her whiskers don’t look too singed
Human: EXPLAIN!
Dog: She ran up the Christmas tree. It fell. Got tooth caught in wire. Bright Light!
Dog: Might want 2 pick up another tree

Cat: How do U turn off the water on the kitchen faucet?
Human: Why?
Cat: Just curious
Human: WHY?
Cat: Things are starting to float

Dog: SQUIRREL!
Dog: DEER!
Dog: RABBIT!
Dog: PEOPLE!
Human: Stop staring out the window
Human: And get off the table

Cat: Wow. Those training sessions with the dog are paying off
Human: What?
Cat: He put all his toys away in that porcelain thing in the bathroom

Cat: Can’t breathe. Dog is sitting on me
Human: Why?
Cat: Don’t know
Dog: She was staring at me
Cat: He was drooling

Cat: Dogs can’t drive
Dog: Can
Cat: Can’t
Dog: Can
Cat: Can’t
Human: Enough!
Dog: Just watched a commercial and a dog was driving
Cat: It’s fake
Dog: No it isn’t
Human: Wait. Why is the TV on?
Cat: Remote is broke
Human: How did the remote get broken?
Cat: Dog chewed it up
Dog: Not my fault. The cat pushed it to the floor and I was… Oh Boy, Lassie is on!

Cat: That’s a cool trick you taught the dogpet texts frankie
Human: Which trick?
Cat: Opening the fridge to fetch drinks for you
Cat: That salmon was great, and the dog ate your steak

Cat: The dog has fleas! I saw him scratching
Dog: Get a grip, Cat. It’s just a feather that got caught in my ear
Human: Where’d the feather come from?
Dog: The couch pillows
Human: What?
Dog: They attacked me first

Dog: I miss you. When you coming home?
Human: I just left the house.
Dog: Yeah. But I wuv you.
Human: I love you, too

Dog: Mailman is here. Got a bone to pick with him
Cat: Might want to come home now
Cat: Mailman needs help getting out of the tree

Dog: Cat stole my CANIDAE treats and won’t give them back
Dog: Come home now! Arooooo!
Dog: BTW, that auto-correct thing bites

Top photo by Dani Jace/Flickr
Bottom photo by Frankieleon/Flickr

Read more articles by Linda Cole

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