Category Archives: funny pets

What’s On Your Cat’s Bucket List?

By Rocky Williams, feline guest blogger

Hey there! It’s your favorite furry beast, Rocky! It’s been awhile since I’ve been allowed to put my paws to the keyboard for the purpose of entertaining you. The Warden said it’s because “A little Rocky goes a looooong way.” Harumph. I don’t know what she’s talking about. Most people say they can’t get enough of me! Well, technically I haven’t ever heard anyone say that, but I’m sure they MUST be thinking it.

Yesterday I was enjoying a fabulous sun-puddle siesta when I was jolted awake by that rude Suck Monster. After it noisily ate everything on the floor and went off to digest its meal, I couldn’t go back to sleep because my Bucket List kept running through my head.

I just had a birthday – I’m 11 now! – so I’ve been pondering that ginormous list and wondering how I’ll ever cross off all the impawtent things I want to do before… before…well, you know. The Warden assures me I’m in tip-top shape and will have plenty of time to get ‘er done…but I’d rather zip through that list now, just in case. Besides, it’s not like I have more pressing matters. Catnaps can wait.

I know you’re curious as a three-legged rhino to know what’s on my Bucket List, and I’m only too happy to share. Mind you, this is only a partial list, because I’ve been given a word limit here.

A Cat’s Bucket List

1. Go on a date with a cool famous cat, like the pleasingly plump Pusheen. Oh wait…she’s not a real cat! Scratch that.

venus2. Make out with Venus the split faced kitty. (Her two-toned face is amazing and yes, she IS a real cat, not photoshopped as some people believe!).

3. Eat a corn dog at the County Fair. (What cat wouldn’t love to eat a dog? MOL).

4. Defeat the evil Suck Monster once and for all. (This, I firmly believe, is every cat’s dream).

5. Sharpen my claws on every square inch of the Warden’s carpet. (DONE!).

6. Have a “Stinky Goodness” pawty with ALL 17 flavors of CANIDAE cat food lined up for me to sample one right after the other. (I predict a Stinky Goodness coma afterwards, but it’d be worth it).

7. See Luna the Fashion Kitty “in the fur” (i.e., she won’t be wearing one of her infamous tutus, wink wink).

8. Rub noses with “Tara the Hero Cat” who courageously went after a dog that was attacking her 4-year-old human brother. I’d like to think my strapping ManCat self would be as brave as Tara if someone attacked my Warden, but something tells me she’d be left to fend for herself while I hid under the bed.

9. Go 24 hours without having to endure the Warden’s sloppy kisses and groping hugs. Just one measly day without her fawning all over me – is that too much to ask?

10. Meet my crush, Meg Ryan. Now SHE could womanhandle me as much as she liked!

Some of my feline friends wanted to share their bucket list too.

Janiss Garza:  Sparkle wants to make the cover of Cat Fancy.

Dean McCaughan:  A hairball in every room. And catch the red dot.
bucket list alisha vargas
Lori J.: Cory wants access to the Tillamook Cheese Factory for a night. And free access to a whole roasted Costco chicken. No sharing!

Peggy McNamara: Laila would like to go to Costco to pick out her own box.

Debbie Glovatsky: Waffles hopes that someday KFC will sponsor our blog.

Julie Church Cat Mackenzie: Chopin would like to walk across piano keys. Tinker, since I call him my little teddy bear, would like to visit a human toy store; Anastasia says, “Bucket list, Schmucket list. I’m still waiting for my personalized tiara.”

Sue Grybel Doute: Mine have never had the opportunity to hunt a real live mouse… I know this would be on Wally and Ernie’s bucket list.

Rene Schweitzer: Having recently lost a cat, I compiled a bucket list for him. He only got to complete one item: eating raw corn on the cob. Other items were eating grass and pizza cheese.

Nora Peluso: Buddy would like to stay out all day in the horse field eating as much grass as he wants…then come inside for stinky goodness!

Cathy Keisha: I wanna walk on the ceiling or actually touch the ceiling which is 16 ft. high. All our furniture is too short.

Marjorie Dawson: I wanna fly and reach the birds! Sienna

Lori  J.: Figaro wants to be able to fly with the butterflies.

Top photo by Julia Williams
Middle photo courtesy of Venus the Amazing Chimera Cat
Bottom photo by Alisha Vargas

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How to Read Your Cat’s Mind

By Rocky Williams, feline guest blogger

Hi CANIDAE furiends! The Warden said I should be doing something productive – like writing a blog post for you – instead of catnapping all day and playing with my vast collection of furry mice all night. Say what? Just so you know, I actually think catnapping is very serious business when you’re a feline. However, I agreed to put my paws to the keyboard because the topic she suggested was How to Read Your Cat’s Mind and frankly, I’m pretty sure I am the Best Mancat for the job. I wrote the book on that. No wait. Technically I didn’t…but I could have!!

You see, reading your cat’s mind is really not that difficult, once you master the basics. It’s all about observing our behavior and our body language; what we do will tell you exactly what is on our devious feline minds. Every time! Let’s get started, shall we?

● When your cat jumps on the bed and licks your face in the wee hours of the morning, he’s not showing affection. He’s also not saying you are dirty and need a bath. No, this face-wetting behavior can mean only one thing: he thinks it’s high time you got up and dished out his breakfast of CANIDAE (that’s like a Breakfast of Champions for a cat!).

● When your cat jumps on the bed and proceeds to use your stomach as a trampoline – launching his lithe feline form across the bed, down to the floor and back to the other side, repeatedly – he’s not saying that he’s got pent up energy and wants to play. This behavior says the exact same thing as the face licking: get up and feed me NOW!!

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The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat

By Julia Williams

I am addicted to cat books. No, not books about cats; books written by cats. I can’t get enough of them. Luckily, it’s easy to get a fix. There are so many cat authors now, that I wouldn’t be surprised if they outnumbered human writers one day. Amazon often has kindle versions of cat books for .99 to $1.99 (sometimes even free!), and like a good pusher they email me to let me know.

My latest cat author discovery is Max Thompson, who describes himself as “14 pounds of sleek black and white glory, with an attitude…and opinions… on everything.” That’s accurate, I think. Max the cat is quite a character. He’s got “catitude,” as they say.

Max first dipped his paws into the writing water in 2003, with a blog called The PsychoKitty Speaks Out. Spurred on by the appreciation of the masses for his witty quips, enlightened feline wisdom and snarky attitude, Max put his musings into book form. Diary of a Mad Housecat contains short daily entries about Max’s life as a “put-upon and under-appreciated feline.”

The book puts a humorous spin on common feline behaviors that every cat lover will identify with. Such as: “If you don’t want me to lick the chicken, don’t leave it on the counter. Simple as that.” The diary format makes it easy to read in snippets, as time permits. It’s a funny look at the day-to-day life of a sarcastic, smart-aleck cat.

Max is cool, but he does have a potty mouth. Yes, he swears. A LOT. If Max were human, I imagine him as a beer swilling, chest thumping macho man who cusses like a drunken sailor, but still has a soft spot for Mom even though he claims not to like or need anyone. The idea of a swearing feline is admittedly not everyone’s cup of tea. I didn’t hate that aspect of Max’s character, exactly, but also feel the bad language could have been toned down because it started to detract from the humor.

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The “My Talking Pet” App Will Have You in Stitches!

My Talking PetBy Julia Williams

Everyone who knows me is well aware that I am a kid at heart. My philosophy is that you’re never too old to play. There’s a time and a place for adult stuff, of course, but I firmly believe that taking time to play keeps us young in our bodies and our minds. Nurturing your inner child is every bit as important as taking care of the adult you.

So it will come as no surprise that I discovered an app called My Talking Pet, and found it utterly hilarious. Yes, it is *very* silly, but so entertaining for your inner child as well as any actual human children you might want to share it with.

The My Talking Pet app is so easy to use, and unless you are one of those humans with no sense of humor, it will make you laugh… a lot. My inner child (I call her Baby Quirky) had more fun with this app than she’s had in a good long while. And trust me when I say, this kid knows how to play!

I downloaded the app on my ipad, but it will also work on your iphone, and there is an Android version now, too. Essentially, you take a photo of your pet, then record anything you want your pet to say. You can change the pitch from low (for doggies) to high (for kitties) or somewhere in between depending on what you fancy their voice to be like. When you’ve finished making your video, you can email it to a friend, save it on your ipad or phone, and even post it on Facebook or your blog (see my videos below!).

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What Would Dogs Do If They Had Thumbs?

By Keikei Cole, Canine Guest Blogger

The other day the “Boss” was laughing about a holiday on March 3rd, If Pet’s Had Thumbs Day. Visions of high fives and thumbs up suddenly came to mind. After thinking about it for a minute, I knew this was something I could sink my teeth into, so I decided to bark out my own list of what I’d do if dogs had thumbs.

You Tube videos. Yep, I’d film and post funny hooman videos. It’s fun to watch those hoomans – such interesting creatures. I can see it now, Keikei, the internet sensation of the Doggiesphere, made possible with opposable thumbs. The boss is always cackling over videos of my canine cousins chasing their tail or doing a slow motion shake. I’d film hoomans in super slow motion trying to keep up with us at the dog park. Especially their face when we’re doing something they think we shouldn’t be doing. Hoomans can move pretty fast sometimes. BOL.

The remote control would be mine. I like to watch Animal Planet as much as any doggie, but it would be nice to surf for something else and change the channel without having to use my nose or teeth. I would go with an exciting canine action flick or maybe a canine thriller. And I’d have my own bowl full of CANIDAE TidNips™ and Snap-Bits™ to munch on. I might even sprinkle in some FELIDAE TidNips™ to kick it up a notch.

Texting looks sort of cool. I like the noise it makes. I’d text my doggie pals in the neighborhood to coordinate a specific time when we all howl. Oh wait, this is even better – we could stare at a wall and pretend like we see something the hoomans can’t see. That always gets them.

You know how some hoomans love to sit around playing cards for hours? I’d get my own card game going! We would play the doggie version of Go Fish. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It’s called Go Cat. If we get the wild card, we have to chase a kitty up a tree.

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The Burning Questions All Cats Have

Human, I am NOT amused!

By Rocky Williams, Feline Guest Blogger

Someone declared that one day in January would be National Answer your Cat’s Questions Day. Who? I don’t know, and because I’m a lazy cat, I won’t look it up on that weird thing you humans call the Web. The only web I care about has juicy spiders dangling from it…but I digress.

Now, we all know it’s every human’s job to try to figure out exactly what your cat wants so you can go about meeting his demands post haste. Hence, I think dedicating a day to answering your cat’s questions is a great idea. I tip my furry paw to the person who came up with that one! It just might help you in your never-ending quest to make your cat happy. Which is your number one job, am I right?

Ok. Never mind that National Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day was in January, and today is the first of February. I couldn’t let that hinder getting some answers to the burning questions I’m sure all cats have. I asked the Warden for a little Q & A time, and ever the dutiful cat lady, she complied.

Rocky: Why do you put my bag of FELIDAE kibble in the cupboard, where I can’t get to it whenever I want a snack?
Warden: That’s precisely the point, Rocky. You’d “snack” 24/7 if I let you, and your handsome man-cat body would turn to flab. Not to mention, this would blow my pet food budget to smithereens.

Rocky: Why do you get so hopping mad when I try to steal a teeny tiny morsel of food off your plate? Haven’t you ever heard of sharing?
Warden: If I shared my food every time you wanted something I was eating, I’d waste away to nothing!

Rocky: Why do you talk to me in that silly high pitched voice? I’m a cat, not a baby!
Warden: Because you’re adorable, and I can’t help myself. Every human who spends time with a cute cat will eventually succumb to “baby” talk.

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