Category Archives: pet humor

Things Only a Cat Person Would Do

By Julia Williams

“Cat People” are a special breed. There’s really nothing too outlandish when it comes to the things a true cat person will do to keep their kitty content. Yes, we Cat People willingly suffer for the greater good of our feline friends. I mean…isn’t that Cat Commandment #1 in the adoption contract? I’m pretty sure it is, and I’m also positive cats know it’s mandatory that you cater to their every whim. They certainly act like it, and they didn’t just pull that “I’m the King of my Castle” attitude out of thin air, did they? No, your cat thinks you worship the ground he walks on…because you do.

I’ve recently discovered that there are some universal “Cat People” truths. I.E., there are things every diehard cat lover does at some point for their furry best friend’s happiness. Further, while these things might be seen as eccentric to the no-pet crowd, to Cat People they make perfect sense. I say that will full confidence, because I recently polled a large group of Cat People on this very subject, and certain “themes” emerged. Here are some:

We Don’t Wake Sleeping Felines

Cat People do many things to avoid waking the cat. We watch TV programs we don’t even like if there is a cat sleeping on our lap and the remote is out of reach. Forget about grabbing a snack, answering the phone or using the bathroom. Our food may get cold, our legs may go numb and we might nearly expire from thirst, but one look at the sleeping cat and everything else is forgotten.

When our kitty sleeps on the computer chair, Cat People sit on the edge to type. It’s not the least bit comfortable and sometimes makes sentences come out like this: I ki93te dkfill be te4 fjje. Yet the cat is blissfully unaware. My computer chair is one of Annabelle’s favorite sleeping spots. Even when she’s awake but lounging in the chair, she gives me such a pitiful “you’re not really gonna make me move?” look that I just can’t. So I suffer.

Cat People let their kitties sleep pretty much anywhere they want to, with few exceptions. When the cat chooses our favorite reading chair or the best TV viewing spot on the couch, we just find other places to sit. Moving the cat is unthinkable. Jennifer Niemi says “I have sat on the floor, as the couch in the family room was fully loaded.” Indeed!

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8 Reasons Why Cats Make Purrfect Valentine’s Day Dates

By Julia Williams

Love is definitely in the air today. (Or maybe it’s in the water?). In any event, a lot of women get all goo-goo eyed on Valentine’s Day, with thoughts of love, a romantic dinner, a box of chocolates, maybe some beautiful red roses. Me? I’m usually thinking “Ugh. It’s Valentine’s Day…again? When will the madness end?”  Now, I’m all in favor of romance and fine dining, but the commercialization of this Hallmark Holiday has really gotten extreme. And talk about pressure!

Who needs the stress – and the expense – of trying to pull off the mother of all dates? I have a much better solution. A date with your cat! According to Yahoo News, one in five people would prefer to spend Valentine’s Day with their pet over their human partner. Now, some might not have the courage to actually make that preference known, but I say just go for it. Feel free to use this list of 8 reasons why a cat makes a better Valentine’s Day date if you need backup. Just please don’t mention my name.

Low Expectations

Actually, make that no expectations. No need to worry about planning the most over-the-top date ever, because a cat won’t stare at you mournfully when you don’t whisk them off to Paris, or procure an entire fancy restaurant for the two of you, or hire a famous band for a private serenade (you know… all that fake stuff the Bachelor does on TV). Cats have no concept of romance, hence, no Valentine’s Day expectations.

Inexpensive Gifts

Your moolah goes a whole lot farther when you’re buying a Valentine’s Day gift for a cat instead of a human. Forget the bling and the overpriced red roses. Just buy a couple of catnip mice, and call it a day!
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First Lines of Famous Novels, Rewritten by Cats

By Julia Williams

Ever since I could hold a book, I’ve been a voracious reader. That adoration for the almighty book evolved into a career of working with words, and although I’ve never written a novel, my love affair with words continues to shape every day of my life. I have even succumbed to digital books, and my kindle is now so full I could read a new novel every week for the rest of 2014.

Trolling the vast book offerings on Amazon, one trend simply can’t be ignored: cats are fast becoming some of the most popular authors of our time. Yes…cats. Those furry creatures previously content to sleep the day away, have now become prolific word chasers.

Cats have dipped their paws into many genres including self-help, humor and fiction. One day as I was reflecting on this, I asked myself “What if cats had been writing novels all along? What literary classics written by cats would sit on my shelf next to the timeless tomes of famous novelists?”

This led to pondering some famous first lines of novels, imagining what cats would have written instead. Then I thought, why not make a little quiz for you all, just for fun? See if you can guess which novels these 10 “catified” opening lines are  from. To make it easier, the names of the novels are below (scrambled). Answers are at the end – no peeking!

1. He was an old cat who trawled alone in the murky waters off the California Coast. He had gone an excruciatingly long half hour without catching a single fish, and starvation was imminent.

2. All kittens, except one, grow up to be cats who would rather spend their day napping on the couch instead of flying around with fairies in a fantasy world.

3. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a middle aged single woman in possession of a house full of felines, must be a crazy cat lady. Or maybe, she’s just crazy for cats.

4. In a hole in the ground there lived a gopher. This particular gopher had been taunting Fluffy for nigh on thirty days or so with his oozy rodent aroma, which wafted across the grassy meadow on the wind. Fluffy dreamt of nothing but getting that juicy gopher between her teeth, once and for all.

5. Boots McMillen was high on catnip. He was eloquently wasted, lovingly and pugnaciously blitzed on the nip.

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Should Dogs Make New Year’s Resolutions?

By Keikei Cole, canine guest blogger

Humans make lists for everything. There’s the grocery list, to-do list, bucket list, Christmas wish list, and the granddaddy of all lists – New Year’s resolutions.

The Boss and her friend were talking about their New Year’s resolutions the other day. I rolled my eyes as I munched on a CANIDAE Snap-Bits treat. As I helped myself to another one, I thought about what would be on my list. Even a dog can bark out resolutions!

Let me think. What could a sweet, innocent, quiet and obedient doggy resolve to do? I suppose I could try harder to control my herding instincts, but it’s so much fun. Do you have any idea how challenging it is to herd cats and humans? My favorite part is the stare down, and the racing around; oh, and the barking – I really love the barking part. I keep practicing my moves, just in case the Boss finds some sheep to rescue, and to stay in shape. I’ll have to think about this one some more.

I know I’m not supposed to bark at night when I’m outside ’cause it might wake up the entire neighborhood, anyway that’s what the Boss keeps saying. But darn it…when a cat or possum or deer is traipsing through MY yard – it’s my duty to send out the alarm. It would go against the “Doggy Code” (an ancient pact canines have followed for centuries) to allow any critters to pass by without me giving them a piece of my mind and letting them know I mean business. So if the Boss thinks I’m going to make a resolution to go against the Code, she’s bonkers.

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Bruin Picks the Flicks…Good Movies for Dogs!

Photo credit: an iconoclast

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

I was sitting in front of the fireplace in my hound’s tooth smoking jacket the other evening, enjoying a salty dog cocktail.

The book I was reading had already been read so many times that the pages were all dog-eared. Rather than continue drinking and possibly then require some hair of the dog,  I picked up a copy of the Las Vegas Canine Enspirer to see if there were any movies I might be interested in seeing.

It suddenly occurred to me that with the passing of both Mr. Siskel and Mr. Ebert, movie fans were on their own. No longer was there anyone suggesting or catiquing films.

Outside it was raining cats and dogs, and I really didn’t feel like venturing out. I thought, why not pass the time by coming up with a list of good movies for dogs. I could call it “Bruin Picks the Flicks.”

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Still Looking for Love, Bruin Appears on The Bachelor

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

I just wanted to let all my friends out there know that, so far, my on-line dating adventure has not scored for me.  I did have an offer to appear on The Bachelor TV show though, and wanted to share my experience.  For those who don’t mind sitting in the hair and makeup room at 5:00 a.m., it might be just right for you.  As I’ve previously mentioned, hygiene is very important to me and I expect good grooming in others but even more so in myself.  Would you believe that they wanted to powder my snout and rough up my ridge to give me what they considered a more fashionable punk style?

There were six lovely lady dogs on stage from which I was to choose.  They didn’t give us much time to converse, so I had to decide based on grooming, breeding and which one gave more rise to my hackles.  Ultimately, I flipped a coin to decide if it would be head or tail.  The producers were somewhat perturbed when I bounded out of script and gave the lady I selected a CANIDAE dog treat instead of the usual corny, thorny rose.  She very graciously and not so genteelly jumped up and grabbed for it immediately.  Who knows, maybe this time I would get lucky!  We made arrangements to meet and have dinner the following evening at a very fine establishment.

Since the place was somewhat formal, I arrived dressed in a top hat and, of course, my tail(s).  The barking lot was full so I had to use the valet for my Range Rover but I wanted to get there early to have an opportunity to discuss whether red or white “whine” would go best with our CANIDAE and Chateaubriand.  The sommelier patted me on the head and said he would take care of everything.

A few moments later, Poochilla Presley walked into the restaurant and all heads turned as her lovely nostrils flared seeking me out.  There she was wearing a beautiful fur coat.  Relax now…her fur was a fake.  Yes, I said Presley, a distant member of the litter that produced the singer of my favorite song “You Ain’t Nothing But a Hounddog.” As we sat gazing longingly into each other’s eyes, they started to play “Puppy Love” and she suggested we dance.  I had to beg off though, explaining that I was sorry but I had four left feet.

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