Category Archives: pet humor

Dear Cat: (Things Your Human Needs You to Know)

dear cat cloudzillaBy Julia Williams

Last week my cat, Rocky, shared his “Dear Human” list with you. Since I am the sole two legged servant for this cheeky feline, one can reasonably assume I was the human he was addressing. Although amusing, Rocky’s anecdotes weren’t really what you’d call “fact based reporting.” To be clear, he made most of that stuff up. That cat does seem to like telling tall tales (tails?). I, on the other hand, have a journalism degree and so I have a code of ethics to uphold. No fables from me!

Right.

So…just as felines obviously have lots of things they want their human (aka the Butler) to know, we Cat People have things we need our furry companions to know. Here are a few.

Dear Cat: I have a very dependable alarm clock. If I need to get up at 5 a.m., the clock will let me know. I do NOT need your help. I don’t need you to lick my face, jump on my stomach, pull my hair, scratch the carpet, whine incessantly, or knock things off the dresser in an attempt to rouse me. When it’s time for your CANIDAE breakfast, you’ll be the first to know.

Dear Cat: Please stop swishing your big fluffy tail in my Caramel Macchiato coffee drink. I happen to like the taste of the caramel foam FAR more than I like cleaning it off the wall after you flick it there with your tail. I know you’re just trying to help me diet, but come on… the caramel foam is off limits!

Dear Cat: I appreciate that you want to help me with my housework by licking all the dirty dishes in the sink. I really do. But – and this is a BIG but – you leave a slimy residue on them, which pretty much defeats the purpose.
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Dear Human: (Things Your Cat Wants You to Know)

By Rocky Williams, Feline Guest Blogger

Hello! It’s your favorite feline scribe, here to spill the secrets of cats. Well, perhaps not all cats but one in particular – a handsome black mancat that just might be looking at you in the photo to your left. Why yes, that’s me. Aren’t I the best looking furry beast you’ve ever seen?

Oops. I’ve gotten off track already and I haven’t even begun. Today I’m going to discuss some of the things I want my human, aka “Warden,” to know. It might help you understand what your own cat wants you to know, but there’s no guarantee because like snowflakes, no two felines are ever alike. We’re individuals, baby!

Onward. Recently I overheard the Warden telling her friend about this book she was reading. The main character, Brianna, supposedly had psychic abilities; she could “hear” animals talking to her. A friend’s cat was desperately trying to get Brianna to tell his owner he didn’t like his food and wanted something different. Brianna wasn’t comfortable revealing her Dr. Dolittle ability, so she said nothing, but for days she could still hear the cat talking to her and begging her to help him.

I had to laugh, for several reasons. One, it upset the Warden that Brianna didn’t help the distraught cat. I was like, “Warden, it’s a novel! The cat isn’t real.” LOL. Two, every cat knows that when we don’t like our food, our human will be told. They won’t need to be psychic either, because we cats don’t pussyfoot around when it comes to getting the stinky goodness we love (my purrsonal favorites are the CANIDAE grain free Pure recipes).

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Best Pet Memes on the Internet

Meme_1-1By Langley Cornwell

One of my favorite guilty pleasures is looking at pet memes on various social media platforms. Inevitably, when I see a clever meme I think about how funny pets are and how creative some people can be. So I thought, let’s turn this guilty pleasure/time-wasting vortex into an article. That way, at least for today, I won’t feel bad about indulging.

Let’s begin with a definition.

Meme: The word is a derivation of the Greek word mimem which means “to imitate” or “imitated thing.” It was coined by Richard Dawkins, an evolutionary biologist from the UK, as a way to describe cultural ideas and phenomena that reproduce and spread. The creation and proliferation of memes is enhanced by the internet, and the ease in which you can share them.

With the advent of cellphone cameras, taking photos of your pets has never been easier. Most people I know have a photo roll full of adorable pet pictures. To create a meme, you just place a border around a cute or funny photo, write a caption and post it to a social media site.

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Five Funny Things Dogs Do to “Help Out”

dogs help herb neufeldBy Laurie Darroch

If you look at the world from a dog’s point of view, their antics begin to make more sense. Dogs are loyal to levels that are often amazing. They are also anxious to be involved and helpful. So, try to be more flexible and open minded in your thinking when you try to figure out their behavior.  According to them, they are just trying to help.

Clean Up

Dogs are great little vacuum cleaners. They are always eager to clean up any bit of spilled food and will sit right under your feet during meal time to vacuum up any dropped bits. They particularly love outdoor eating at a picnic or barbecue. They help keep the ants away by getting to the spilled food first.

Dogs love babies in high chairs who toss food around. That makes them feel extra helpful providing both a child care and clean up service simultaneously. If you spill something with liquid, sauce or cream, dogs are instant mops, lapping up the spill before you even have a chance to clean it up. They often provide this bonus service with a wagging tail.

Often forward thinkers, very eager dogs will quietly walk under the table and put their head on your lap or feet, to catch the food before it reaches the ground. If you happen to put your hand down with something in it and that bit of food falls directly into their mouth, that is even better.

When you are all done eating, they will happily lick off any dirty plates they can reach when you are busy doing something else. They just think you forgot to finish cleaning up, and are happy to chip in and cut down on your work.

Your dog will gladly help you clean out the open bag of CANIDAE Pure Heaven Biscuits you mistakenly left sitting on the coffee table. They want to prevent it from falling on the floor and making a mess that you will have to clean up later.

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Oh, the Things Cats Do to Embarrass Us!

cat embarrass chrisBy Julia Williams

I do not necessarily think cats stay up all night dreaming up ways they can embarrass us. Sometimes it seems like they do, though, given the number of awkward moments we endure thanks to our feline friends. However, since I have no actual proof, I can’t make such accusations.

Perhaps it’s coincidental that embarrassing things just seem to happen whenever there’s a cat present. Yeah, right. I just heard my cat snicker behind my back. Oh, but I think I read somewhere that surviving mortification builds character, so perhaps we should be grateful to our cats for helping us be better humans? Yes, I’m sure that’s what they intended all along. Ha!

Whether by accident – or not – every cat will at some point do that “grooming of the privates” thing in front of your guests. Since it’s usually in the middle of the living room, I have a hard time believing the cat’s indecent exposure is unplanned, no matter how nonchalant they try to look. And I’m pretty sure that aside from embarrassing us, they like showing off just how much more flexible they are than us.

Naturally, I have suffered my share of embarrassment at the paws of the cat. Anyone who has “scaredy cats” will relate to this story: whenever a stranger comes in the house, my cats make a terrified mad dash to their hiding spot in the bedroom, trampling anything or anyone in their way. Dude, chill! It’s just the furnace repairman, not the evil spawn of Satan.

When I was moving out of state, a former client came to look at my collection of large flower pots I wanted to sell. Keep in mind, we didn’t have a social relationship; I’d only interacted with her in a business setting. She asked to use my bathroom and when she emerged, she looked like she’d just witnessed something horrifying that would change her forever. “There’s some kind of dead critter in there,” she whispered. Uh oh! I look, whereupon I find half of a gopher, guts and all, in the middle of the floor.

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Decoding the Secret Language of Pet Bloggers

By Julia Williams

It’s common knowledge that many twins have their own secret language, which allows them to communicate in a way that no one else can comprehend. What you may not know, however, is that pet bloggers also have a unique vernacular. When I first started reading pet blogs years ago, I often felt like I’d accidentally stumbled into a virtual foreign country where I couldn’t understand a lick of what was being discussed.

Turning to Google was little help, as the words and phrases I came across had not made it into the online urban dictionary. I didn’t want to brand myself as a newbie (even though I was) so I just kept reading. Some of the terms were easy to figure out because they were derivatives of popular animal-related words such as meow, paw and cat. Other times the meaning of a word could be inferred from considering the context.

It hit me the other day that I now use most of these words without even thinking about them. Woot! I am finally fluent in the Secret Language of Pet Bloggers! I decided it would be fun to compile a list, so future newbies to the pet blogging world won’t have to wonder what someone means when they talk about beans, floof, green papers or the flashy beast. Even though some of the words and phrases below have become so commonplace that they show up in online dictionaries, there are many that don’t. So here you go: The Secret Language of Pet Bloggers, decoded. Use it as you wish.

Anipals: animal pals; blogger friends

Backside of Disrespect: when a pet turns his bum to you

Beans: human beings

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