Category Archives: pet humor

Oh, the Things Cats Do to Embarrass Us!

cat embarrass chrisBy Julia Williams

I do not necessarily think cats stay up all night dreaming up ways they can embarrass us. Sometimes it seems like they do, though, given the number of awkward moments we endure thanks to our feline friends. However, since I have no actual proof, I can’t make such accusations.

Perhaps it’s coincidental that embarrassing things just seem to happen whenever there’s a cat present. Yeah, right. I just heard my cat snicker behind my back. Oh, but I think I read somewhere that surviving mortification builds character, so perhaps we should be grateful to our cats for helping us be better humans? Yes, I’m sure that’s what they intended all along. Ha!

Whether by accident – or not – every cat will at some point do that “grooming of the privates” thing in front of your guests. Since it’s usually in the middle of the living room, I have a hard time believing the cat’s indecent exposure is unplanned, no matter how nonchalant they try to look. And I’m pretty sure that aside from embarrassing us, they like showing off just how much more flexible they are than us.

Naturally, I have suffered my share of embarrassment at the paws of the cat. Anyone who has “scaredy cats” will relate to this story: whenever a stranger comes in the house, my cats make a terrified mad dash to their hiding spot in the bedroom, trampling anything or anyone in their way. Dude, chill! It’s just the furnace repairman, not the evil spawn of Satan.

When I was moving out of state, a former client came to look at my collection of large flower pots I wanted to sell. Keep in mind, we didn’t have a social relationship; I’d only interacted with her in a business setting. She asked to use my bathroom and when she emerged, she looked like she’d just witnessed something horrifying that would change her forever. “There’s some kind of dead critter in there,” she whispered. Uh oh! I look, whereupon I find half of a gopher, guts and all, in the middle of the floor.

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Decoding the Secret Language of Pet Bloggers

By Julia Williams

It’s common knowledge that many twins have their own secret language, which allows them to communicate in a way that no one else can comprehend. What you may not know, however, is that pet bloggers also have a unique vernacular. When I first started reading pet blogs years ago, I often felt like I’d accidentally stumbled into a virtual foreign country where I couldn’t understand a lick of what was being discussed.

Turning to Google was little help, as the words and phrases I came across had not made it into the online urban dictionary. I didn’t want to brand myself as a newbie (even though I was) so I just kept reading. Some of the terms were easy to figure out because they were derivatives of popular animal-related words such as meow, paw and cat. Other times the meaning of a word could be inferred from considering the context.

It hit me the other day that I now use most of these words without even thinking about them. Woot! I am finally fluent in the Secret Language of Pet Bloggers! I decided it would be fun to compile a list, so future newbies to the pet blogging world won’t have to wonder what someone means when they talk about beans, floof, green papers or the flashy beast. Even though some of the words and phrases below have become so commonplace that they show up in online dictionaries, there are many that don’t. So here you go: The Secret Language of Pet Bloggers, decoded. Use it as you wish.

Anipals: animal pals; blogger friends

Backside of Disrespect: when a pet turns his bum to you

Beans: human beings

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How to Read Your Cat’s Mind

By Rocky Williams, feline guest blogger

Hi CANIDAE furiends! The Warden said I should be doing something productive – like writing a blog post for you – instead of catnapping all day and playing with my vast collection of furry mice all night. Say what? Just so you know, I actually think catnapping is very serious business when you’re a feline. However, I agreed to put my paws to the keyboard because the topic she suggested was How to Read Your Cat’s Mind and frankly, I’m pretty sure I am the Best Mancat for the job. I wrote the book on that. No wait. Technically I didn’t…but I could have!!

You see, reading your cat’s mind is really not that difficult, once you master the basics. It’s all about observing our behavior and our body language; what we do will tell you exactly what is on our devious feline minds. Every time! Let’s get started, shall we?

● When your cat jumps on the bed and licks your face in the wee hours of the morning, he’s not showing affection. He’s also not saying you are dirty and need a bath. No, this face-wetting behavior can mean only one thing: he thinks it’s high time you got up and dished out his breakfast of CANIDAE (that’s like a Breakfast of Champions for a cat!).

● When your cat jumps on the bed and proceeds to use your stomach as a trampoline – launching his lithe feline form across the bed, down to the floor and back to the other side, repeatedly – he’s not saying that he’s got pent up energy and wants to play. This behavior says the exact same thing as the face licking: get up and feed me NOW!!

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Things Only a Cat Person Would Do

By Julia Williams

“Cat People” are a special breed. There’s really nothing too outlandish when it comes to the things a true cat person will do to keep their kitty content. Yes, we Cat People willingly suffer for the greater good of our feline friends. I mean…isn’t that Cat Commandment #1 in the adoption contract? I’m pretty sure it is, and I’m also positive cats know it’s mandatory that you cater to their every whim. They certainly act like it, and they didn’t just pull that “I’m the King of my Castle” attitude out of thin air, did they? No, your cat thinks you worship the ground he walks on…because you do.

I’ve recently discovered that there are some universal “Cat People” truths. I.E., there are things every diehard cat lover does at some point for their furry best friend’s happiness. Further, while these things might be seen as eccentric to the no-pet crowd, to Cat People they make perfect sense. I say that will full confidence, because I recently polled a large group of Cat People on this very subject, and certain “themes” emerged. Here are some:

We Don’t Wake Sleeping Felines

Cat People do many things to avoid waking the cat. We watch TV programs we don’t even like if there is a cat sleeping on our lap and the remote is out of reach. Forget about grabbing a snack, answering the phone or using the bathroom. Our food may get cold, our legs may go numb and we might nearly expire from thirst, but one look at the sleeping cat and everything else is forgotten.

When our kitty sleeps on the computer chair, Cat People sit on the edge to type. It’s not the least bit comfortable and sometimes makes sentences come out like this: I ki93te dkfill be te4 fjje. Yet the cat is blissfully unaware. My computer chair is one of Annabelle’s favorite sleeping spots. Even when she’s awake but lounging in the chair, she gives me such a pitiful “you’re not really gonna make me move?” look that I just can’t. So I suffer.

Cat People let their kitties sleep pretty much anywhere they want to, with few exceptions. When the cat chooses our favorite reading chair or the best TV viewing spot on the couch, we just find other places to sit. Moving the cat is unthinkable. Jennifer Niemi says “I have sat on the floor, as the couch in the family room was fully loaded.” Indeed!

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8 Reasons Why Cats Make Purrfect Valentine’s Day Dates

By Julia Williams

Love is definitely in the air today. (Or maybe it’s in the water?). In any event, a lot of women get all goo-goo eyed on Valentine’s Day, with thoughts of love, a romantic dinner, a box of chocolates, maybe some beautiful red roses. Me? I’m usually thinking “Ugh. It’s Valentine’s Day…again? When will the madness end?”  Now, I’m all in favor of romance and fine dining, but the commercialization of this Hallmark Holiday has really gotten extreme. And talk about pressure!

Who needs the stress – and the expense – of trying to pull off the mother of all dates? I have a much better solution. A date with your cat! According to Yahoo News, one in five people would prefer to spend Valentine’s Day with their pet over their human partner. Now, some might not have the courage to actually make that preference known, but I say just go for it. Feel free to use this list of 8 reasons why a cat makes a better Valentine’s Day date if you need backup. Just please don’t mention my name.

Low Expectations

Actually, make that no expectations. No need to worry about planning the most over-the-top date ever, because a cat won’t stare at you mournfully when you don’t whisk them off to Paris, or procure an entire fancy restaurant for the two of you, or hire a famous band for a private serenade (you know… all that fake stuff the Bachelor does on TV). Cats have no concept of romance, hence, no Valentine’s Day expectations.

Inexpensive Gifts

Your moolah goes a whole lot farther when you’re buying a Valentine’s Day gift for a cat instead of a human. Forget the bling and the overpriced red roses. Just buy a couple of catnip mice, and call it a day!
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First Lines of Famous Novels, Rewritten by Cats

By Julia Williams

Ever since I could hold a book, I’ve been a voracious reader. That adoration for the almighty book evolved into a career of working with words, and although I’ve never written a novel, my love affair with words continues to shape every day of my life. I have even succumbed to digital books, and my kindle is now so full I could read a new novel every week for the rest of 2014.

Trolling the vast book offerings on Amazon, one trend simply can’t be ignored: cats are fast becoming some of the most popular authors of our time. Yes…cats. Those furry creatures previously content to sleep the day away, have now become prolific word chasers.

Cats have dipped their paws into many genres including self-help, humor and fiction. One day as I was reflecting on this, I asked myself “What if cats had been writing novels all along? What literary classics written by cats would sit on my shelf next to the timeless tomes of famous novelists?”

This led to pondering some famous first lines of novels, imagining what cats would have written instead. Then I thought, why not make a little quiz for you all, just for fun? See if you can guess which novels these 10 “catified” opening lines are  from. To make it easier, the names of the novels are below (scrambled). Answers are at the end – no peeking!

1. He was an old cat who trawled alone in the murky waters off the California Coast. He had gone an excruciatingly long half hour without catching a single fish, and starvation was imminent.

2. All kittens, except one, grow up to be cats who would rather spend their day napping on the couch instead of flying around with fairies in a fantasy world.

3. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a middle aged single woman in possession of a house full of felines, must be a crazy cat lady. Or maybe, she’s just crazy for cats.

4. In a hole in the ground there lived a gopher. This particular gopher had been taunting Fluffy for nigh on thirty days or so with his oozy rodent aroma, which wafted across the grassy meadow on the wind. Fluffy dreamt of nothing but getting that juicy gopher between her teeth, once and for all.

5. Boots McMillen was high on catnip. He was eloquently wasted, lovingly and pugnaciously blitzed on the nip.

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