Category Archives: pet humor

First Lines of Famous Novels, Rewritten by Cats

By Julia Williams

Ever since I could hold a book, I’ve been a voracious reader. That adoration for the almighty book evolved into a career of working with words, and although I’ve never written a novel, my love affair with words continues to shape every day of my life. I have even succumbed to digital books, and my kindle is now so full I could read a new novel every week for the rest of 2014.

Trolling the vast book offerings on Amazon, one trend simply can’t be ignored: cats are fast becoming some of the most popular authors of our time. Yes…cats. Those furry creatures previously content to sleep the day away, have now become prolific word chasers.

Cats have dipped their paws into many genres including self-help, humor and fiction. One day as I was reflecting on this, I asked myself “What if cats had been writing novels all along? What literary classics written by cats would sit on my shelf next to the timeless tomes of famous novelists?”

This led to pondering some famous first lines of novels, imagining what cats would have written instead. Then I thought, why not make a little quiz for you all, just for fun? See if you can guess which novels these 10 “catified” opening lines are  from. To make it easier, the names of the novels are below (scrambled). Answers are at the end – no peeking!

1. He was an old cat who trawled alone in the murky waters off the California Coast. He had gone an excruciatingly long half hour without catching a single fish, and starvation was imminent.

2. All kittens, except one, grow up to be cats who would rather spend their day napping on the couch instead of flying around with fairies in a fantasy world.

3. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a middle aged single woman in possession of a house full of felines, must be a crazy cat lady. Or maybe, she’s just crazy for cats.

4. In a hole in the ground there lived a gopher. This particular gopher had been taunting Fluffy for nigh on thirty days or so with his oozy rodent aroma, which wafted across the grassy meadow on the wind. Fluffy dreamt of nothing but getting that juicy gopher between her teeth, once and for all.

5. Boots McMillen was high on catnip. He was eloquently wasted, lovingly and pugnaciously blitzed on the nip.

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Should Dogs Make New Year’s Resolutions?

By Keikei Cole, canine guest blogger

Humans make lists for everything. There’s the grocery list, to-do list, bucket list, Christmas wish list, and the granddaddy of all lists – New Year’s resolutions.

The Boss and her friend were talking about their New Year’s resolutions the other day. I rolled my eyes as I munched on a CANIDAE Snap-Bits treat. As I helped myself to another one, I thought about what would be on my list. Even a dog can bark out resolutions!

Let me think. What could a sweet, innocent, quiet and obedient doggy resolve to do? I suppose I could try harder to control my herding instincts, but it’s so much fun. Do you have any idea how challenging it is to herd cats and humans? My favorite part is the stare down, and the racing around; oh, and the barking – I really love the barking part. I keep practicing my moves, just in case the Boss finds some sheep to rescue, and to stay in shape. I’ll have to think about this one some more.

I know I’m not supposed to bark at night when I’m outside ’cause it might wake up the entire neighborhood, anyway that’s what the Boss keeps saying. But darn it…when a cat or possum or deer is traipsing through MY yard – it’s my duty to send out the alarm. It would go against the “Doggy Code” (an ancient pact canines have followed for centuries) to allow any critters to pass by without me giving them a piece of my mind and letting them know I mean business. So if the Boss thinks I’m going to make a resolution to go against the Code, she’s bonkers.

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Bruin Picks the Flicks…Good Movies for Dogs!

Photo credit: an iconoclast

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

I was sitting in front of the fireplace in my hound’s tooth smoking jacket the other evening, enjoying a salty dog cocktail.

The book I was reading had already been read so many times that the pages were all dog-eared. Rather than continue drinking and possibly then require some hair of the dog,  I picked up a copy of the Las Vegas Canine Enspirer to see if there were any movies I might be interested in seeing.

It suddenly occurred to me that with the passing of both Mr. Siskel and Mr. Ebert, movie fans were on their own. No longer was there anyone suggesting or catiquing films.

Outside it was raining cats and dogs, and I really didn’t feel like venturing out. I thought, why not pass the time by coming up with a list of good movies for dogs. I could call it “Bruin Picks the Flicks.”

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Still Looking for Love, Bruin Appears on The Bachelor

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

I just wanted to let all my friends out there know that, so far, my on-line dating adventure has not scored for me.  I did have an offer to appear on The Bachelor TV show though, and wanted to share my experience.  For those who don’t mind sitting in the hair and makeup room at 5:00 a.m., it might be just right for you.  As I’ve previously mentioned, hygiene is very important to me and I expect good grooming in others but even more so in myself.  Would you believe that they wanted to powder my snout and rough up my ridge to give me what they considered a more fashionable punk style?

There were six lovely lady dogs on stage from which I was to choose.  They didn’t give us much time to converse, so I had to decide based on grooming, breeding and which one gave more rise to my hackles.  Ultimately, I flipped a coin to decide if it would be head or tail.  The producers were somewhat perturbed when I bounded out of script and gave the lady I selected a CANIDAE dog treat instead of the usual corny, thorny rose.  She very graciously and not so genteelly jumped up and grabbed for it immediately.  Who knows, maybe this time I would get lucky!  We made arrangements to meet and have dinner the following evening at a very fine establishment.

Since the place was somewhat formal, I arrived dressed in a top hat and, of course, my tail(s).  The barking lot was full so I had to use the valet for my Range Rover but I wanted to get there early to have an opportunity to discuss whether red or white “whine” would go best with our CANIDAE and Chateaubriand.  The sommelier patted me on the head and said he would take care of everything.

A few moments later, Poochilla Presley walked into the restaurant and all heads turned as her lovely nostrils flared seeking me out.  There she was wearing a beautiful fur coat.  Relax now…her fur was a fake.  Yes, I said Presley, a distant member of the litter that produced the singer of my favorite song “You Ain’t Nothing But a Hounddog.” As we sat gazing longingly into each other’s eyes, they started to play “Puppy Love” and she suggested we dance.  I had to beg off though, explaining that I was sorry but I had four left feet.

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Ready for Dating – Single Brown Dog Seeks “Alicia Keeshond”

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

Thanks to CANIDAE natural pet food, I’m well on my way to achieving my weight loss goal.  I still have at least 10 more pounds to lose until I do justice to my speedo, but I have been thinking about entering the dating scene.  Since I’m currently unemployed, not attending classes, don’t spend much time in religious facilities (rules, rules, rules, everybody has their rules) and don’t like hanging out at bars, I thought perhaps on-line dating might be the answer.

I’m really not interested in the stud service sites since I have a three-date rule (see what I mean about everybody having rules – I guess I’m just as guilty).  Since I haven’t been successful in finding a suitable site, I was thinking I might have to start one on my own.

Although I’m over 21 (in dog years), theoretically I should be able to do as I please.  My mom and dad tell me that as long as I live in their house I have to follow their rules (ack, there it is again – rules).  I think their concern is that I’ll open myself up to meeting all kinds of bitches.

Right now I spend most of my free time lying by the pool and working on my tan. Since I have no lions to hunt, just the occasional kitty cat, I do enjoy the excitement (NOT!) of bird watching.  The kitty cats actually have the audacity to use “my place” as their litter box.  Believe me, my dad is not a happy camper when it’s clean-up time.

Speaking of those annoying little rascals, I was thinking of naming my dating site, the CAT’S’ MEOW.  I’m a little concerned about the name, because I wouldn’t want to attract the wrong types.  While we’re on the subject of type, I want you to know that I have very simple tastes.

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Musings from Bark Twain, AKA a Big Dog Named Bruin

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

Dear Fans:

For those of you who are not already aware, for the last 2½ months I have been on a diet.  My parents and my weight loss warden, Dr. Brooks, keep telling me I should not think of it as a diet but rather as a healthier way of eating.  I think they forget sometimes that though I display an inordinate amount of brain cells, I am, after all a dog and find that concept disconcerting and unreasonable.

I do remember vaguely back in the day when my family would ask if I’d like a “treat” and then turn around and give me a dog bone.  I felt like Hannibal Lector since only he would want to eat the bones of other dogs.  (Please don’t tell Mom and Dad because I’m not allowed to watch those kinds of things but when they leave the room, I “accidentally” roll over on the remote and change the channel.)

Dr. Brooks also suggested that I keep a food diary because little items seem to add up so quickly calorie-wise.  You’d think with all the examinations he’s given me, he would have noticed I don’t have any thumbs but thank goodness, at least I do have access to a computer.  My having to “watch my weight” bothers my Mom and Dad so much more than me because like so many others, they equate love with food. When I go in periodically to get weighed, they always hold their breath and advise me to only stand on one paw.

My much older (counting in dog years) two-legged siblings are actually quite jealous and insist they were never regarded with the same devotion afforded me.  They must think that cooking for me daily and serving my water chilled is not an entitlement.  The nerve of them to count the number of times I go to the vet and compare it to the number of times they were taken to the pediatrician! Not for publication is also the fact that my Mom carries around pictures of me and none of her children/grandchildren.

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