Category Archives: pet humor

Musings from Bark Twain, AKA a Big Dog Named Bruin

By Bruin, canine guest blogger

Dear Fans:

For those of you who are not already aware, for the last 2½ months I have been on a diet.  My parents and my weight loss warden, Dr. Brooks, keep telling me I should not think of it as a diet but rather as a healthier way of eating.  I think they forget sometimes that though I display an inordinate amount of brain cells, I am, after all a dog and find that concept disconcerting and unreasonable.

I do remember vaguely back in the day when my family would ask if I’d like a “treat” and then turn around and give me a dog bone.  I felt like Hannibal Lector since only he would want to eat the bones of other dogs.  (Please don’t tell Mom and Dad because I’m not allowed to watch those kinds of things but when they leave the room, I “accidentally” roll over on the remote and change the channel.)

Dr. Brooks also suggested that I keep a food diary because little items seem to add up so quickly calorie-wise.  You’d think with all the examinations he’s given me, he would have noticed I don’t have any thumbs but thank goodness, at least I do have access to a computer.  My having to “watch my weight” bothers my Mom and Dad so much more than me because like so many others, they equate love with food. When I go in periodically to get weighed, they always hold their breath and advise me to only stand on one paw.

My much older (counting in dog years) two-legged siblings are actually quite jealous and insist they were never regarded with the same devotion afforded me.  They must think that cooking for me daily and serving my water chilled is not an entitlement.  The nerve of them to count the number of times I go to the vet and compare it to the number of times they were taken to the pediatrician! Not for publication is also the fact that my Mom carries around pictures of me and none of her children/grandchildren.

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A Dog’s Bucket List

By Keikei Cole, canine guest blogger

It’s rough being a dog. We have to guard the home, keep the mailman and deliverymen on their toes, herd cats and pick up garbage. We wash windows, dig holes in the garden, exercise our hoomans, and try to keep them under control at all times. It’s a hard job, but we do the best we can. On our down time, my furry siblings and I like to work on our bucket lists. Oh yes, we have lots of things we want to do, too! Here is my bucket list.

1. Visit the factory where they make all of those yummy CANIDAE TidNips™ and Snap-Bits™ dog treats. I’d like be the chief “taste inspector” to make sure each package is up to the company’s strict standard of quality and freshness.

2. Learn how to herd sheep. The word around the water bowl is that sheep are easier to manage than a bunch of cats. When I learn how to do that intimidating “Border Collie stare,” felines will have new respect for me!

3. Be the lead dog on a sled dog team with no particular place to go.

4. Go on a real scavenger hunt and roll in everything I find. It would be fun to set up a hunt in some exotic location to experience the local flavors I can’t find in my area.

5. Take my human on a cross country trip to find all of the dog friendly motels and wide open spaces where I can run as far as I want. Within reason, anyway – I wouldn’t want to lose my human or my ride home.

6. Have a heart-to-heart talk with the mailman and delivery guy, to explain that when I bark, snarl or chase them, it’s not personal, I’m just doing my job.

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5 Ways I Want to Be More Like My Cats

By Julia Williams

Hardly a day goes by that I don’t see my cats basking in a sun puddle and think, “Why can’t I be a cat for just one day?” I would get caught up on my sleep, that’s for sure. I’d have zero stress because I would not stir all day long, except to follow that warm sun puddle when it moves. I wouldn’t worry about where my next meal is coming from or if it’s going to taste good. Everything I could possibly need would be provided for me by my human servant. Which means, of course, that I wouldn’t have a care in the world…unless you count making sure the servant got out of bed when I said it was time for breakfast and not when the clock said.

Yes, my cats have a great life. And I admit … I am jealous! I want to experience catdom for myself because frankly, I don’t think my kitties appreciate just how good they have it! Being human, I know they have it good, and I want some of what they’re having. It seems only fair. But alas, all I can do is dream.

Here are 5 ways I want to be more like my cats:

1. Embrace every opportunity, even those that turn out differently than expected. 

Cats go with the flow, and they don’t get upset when things don’t happen the way they thought they would. They just adapt. Take Mickey, for example: he loves Cheetos, so I’ll share one with him occasionally. One day I left an open bag of Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos on the couch while I went to get something from the kitchen. Now, if you’ve ever had those, you know they have quite a “kick.” He didn’t know; he stole one out of the bag, and ate the whole thing! Sure, it wasn’t the mild, cheesy Cheeto he was expecting, but Mickey didn’t let a little Jalapeno spice keep him from enjoying his stolen snack. (He did, however, drink a lot of water afterwards!).

2. Enjoy the simple things life offers.

Cats have a unique ability to find joy in everything, no matter how mundane it might seem. If it moves, chase it. That feather’s not a real bird? No problem! If a paper bag magically appears on the floor, turn it into a mancat cave/tactile toy. A cardboard box or a wicker basket is an open invitation for a nap. Pens become projectiles, magazines become chew toys, and every little thing lying around becomes something fun to play with.

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How to Tell if You’re a Hopeless Pet Lover

By Linda Cole

I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have a pet around. Not even when I went to college. Yep, I snuck my kitten in to be my dorm roommate. I admit to being a hopeless pet lover; it’s a label I’m happy to wear since I can’t seem to get all of the dog and cat hair brushed off my clothes. When a pet has captured our heart, the only thing we can do is look for those telltale signs that show how hopeless of a pet lover we’ve become. Take this fun quiz to see just how hopeless!

1. The color coded pie chart you made for household expenses (red), entertainment (blue), food (yellow) and pet expenses (green)…
A. Has way more green on it than any other color.
B. Was eaten by the dog, who mistook it for homework.
C. Has become the cat’s favorite place to sit since you canceled the newspaper to cut back on household expenses.

2. After you’ve met the new neighbors, you…
A. Can remember the names of their pets, but not the names of their kids.
B. Joke after they leave about their dog’s fancy collar and coat while adjusting your dog’s biker vest and Doggles.
C. Wonder if their pie chart looks like yours.

3. People know you have a dog just by looking inside your vehicle because…
A. All of the windows are “decorated” with nose prints and paw prints.
B. Chew toys, tennis balls, dog treats, leashes, water bowls and “dog doody pick up bags” litter the backseat.
C. You have to remove the blanket covering the passenger seat before allowing someone to sit there.

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PURRfect Movies and TV Shows for Cats

By Rocky Williams, feline guest blogger

When a certain couch potato canine wrote recently of his preferred TV shows, I was naturally curious why he left out the ones we kitties enjoy. Well, more miffed really, because everyone knows cats do not like to be left out of anything. Ever! But my Warden said “Rocky, don’t get your fluffy tail in a twist. You can make your own list any time you feel like it.” Yes, but that involves work, something we cats avoid like the plague.

Ah well…I really needed a list of the movies and TV shows cats would dig, because I’m feeling all sloth-like lately, and what better way to be lazy than to watch TV all day? (They don’t call it the Boob Tube for nothing!) So I put paws to keyboard and came up with some cat-approved programs. When I ran out of my own ideas, I plagiarized other cats,  I mean, I asked my cat friends on Facebook for suggestions, and they were happy to share.

So kitties, send your Warden out for a big bag of those catabulous FELIDAE TidNips treats to munch on while you watch these shows, and you’ll be all set.

Animal Planet’s My Cat From Hell is a show every feline needs to watch. Just be sure to watch with your Warden, because I guarantee you that anything naughty YOU have ever done will pale in comparison to the Demon Katz on this show. Technically, these bad kitties are just misunderstood, and once they have their stupid hoomin trained, it all ends well. In any event, your Warden is bound to appreciate your angelic self after watching this show.

I like to watch The Little Mermaid movie, but for some reason it always makes me hungry. I think it’s because I can’t stop fantasizing about how many great seafood meals her ginormous tail would make. There would be enough stinky fishy goodness for every cat in town!

Finding Nemo is another obvious choice for seafood loving kitties. Alfred Hitchcock’s classic movie, The Birds, is also highly entertaining.

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What Would Dogs Do If They Had Thumbs?

By Keikei Cole, Canine Guest Blogger

The other day the “Boss” was laughing about a holiday on March 3rd, If Pet’s Had Thumbs Day. Visions of high fives and thumbs up suddenly came to mind. After thinking about it for a minute, I knew this was something I could sink my teeth into, so I decided to bark out my own list of what I’d do if dogs had thumbs.

You Tube videos. Yep, I’d film and post funny hooman videos. It’s fun to watch those hoomans – such interesting creatures. I can see it now, Keikei, the internet sensation of the Doggiesphere, made possible with opposable thumbs. The boss is always cackling over videos of my canine cousins chasing their tail or doing a slow motion shake. I’d film hoomans in super slow motion trying to keep up with us at the dog park. Especially their face when we’re doing something they think we shouldn’t be doing. Hoomans can move pretty fast sometimes. BOL.

The remote control would be mine. I like to watch Animal Planet as much as any doggie, but it would be nice to surf for something else and change the channel without having to use my nose or teeth. I would go with an exciting canine action flick or maybe a canine thriller. And I’d have my own bowl full of CANIDAE TidNips™ and Snap-Bits™ to munch on. I might even sprinkle in some FELIDAE TidNips™ to kick it up a notch.

Texting looks sort of cool. I like the noise it makes. I’d text my doggie pals in the neighborhood to coordinate a specific time when we all howl. Oh wait, this is even better – we could stare at a wall and pretend like we see something the hoomans can’t see. That always gets them.

You know how some hoomans love to sit around playing cards for hours? I’d get my own card game going! We would play the doggie version of Go Fish. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. It’s called Go Cat. If we get the wild card, we have to chase a kitty up a tree.

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