Category Archives: Rocky Williams

How to Spoil your Cat

I am trying hard to look innocent

By Rocky Williams, Feline Guest Blogger

Let me just say right up front: I am a privileged cat. I know I’m spoiled, and I don’t apologize for that because really, it’s a blessing. The day the Warden took me out of that flea-ridden shack, I didn’t have many hours left. I call that my lucky day – I won the cat lottery, because I came to live with someone who spoils me.

Now, sometimes that word ‘spoil’ is seen as a negative thing, especially when it pertains to children and even at times, dogs and cats. The Warden used to get upset when her mother (not an animal lover!) accused her of spoiling her cats. It stopped bothering her when she realized it was true, but wasn’t something she should be ashamed of. Spoiling your cat is a good thing. I speak from personal experience.

The Warden spoils me by letting me sleep pretty much anywhere I want, even if that’s on her chest and she can barely breathe because I’m such a strapping lad. When I leave my luxurious black fur on her light-colored couch, she doesn’t care. Ditto for whatever she’s wearing. She knows that walking around town covered in cat hair is a badge of honor. She spoils me by stopping whatever she’s doing when I demand my petting time. She believes, and rightly so, that no boring human task could ever be more important than spending quality time with her cat.

The Warden spoils me because when I am naughty, which is often – pretty much every day, all day long – she doesn’t get mad. If I put my paw on her dinner plate hoping to snag some chicken, she just laughs and pushes it away. The day I actually snagged something but unfortunately it was mustard and that promptly got deposited on the couch, she didn’t scold me. Furniture can be cleaned, she says. When I crawl all over her trying to distract her so I can do the grab-and-run with her food, she doesn’t mind that I get cat hair in her mouth or on her plate. It’s edible, right?

One day I swished my big floofy tail in her Caramel Macchiato, and then I flicked the caramel foam all over the carpet. She laughed especially hard that day. The Warden spoils me because she thinks of me as comic relief, a stress buster in kitty form. The Warden knows that being naughty is just my nature, and she loves me in spite of it. Or is that because of it?

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New Year’s Resolutions for Cats

Rocky

By Rocky Williams, Feline Guest Blogger

Lately I have been hearing my hoomin, aka the Warden, talk a lot about something called resolutions. From what I gather, these are things that people resolve to change or improve about themselves in the New Year. Now, being a cat I generally think I am purrfect as is, and need not change a thing. However, just for fun I decided to make some resolutions of my own. Who knows, it might even inspire other cats who feel they need to improve upon purrfection!

According to just about everybody you could ask, the most popular New Year’s Resolution is some version of the “eat right, exercise more” mandate. But that one is just not necessary for me because I already eat great, thanks to the Warden. If there’s one thing she knows well, it’s how to tell which cat food is the good kind, and if she’s sold on FELIDAE that’s all I need to know. However, I suppose I could use a little more exercise to keep my handsome mancat body in tippy top shape. But just a little, mind you. I don’t want to become so muscular that every ladycat in town is meowing at my door for a date. I don’t have the stamina for that!

Speaking of food though, there are umpteen resolutions I could attempt. Such as, I resolve not to wolf down my own portions at lightning speed in order to “help” Mickey and Annabelle finish theirs. This will inevitably free up a lot of the Warden’s time, since she has to stand guard until those two painstakingly slow eaters empty their bowls. Talk about torture!

I could also resolve not to steal food from the Warden’s plate when she’s trying to eat it herself. Generally speaking, the paw is faster than the hand, which gives new meaning to the term “grab-and-go.” I always come away with something, but it’s not always something I want to eat. Case in point: the “mustard incident.” In a kind of slow-motion horror movie, the Warden watched as I mulled over what to do with a paw covered in mustard, until I finally decided to just put it down on the couch. That will teach her to eat in the living room!

I could resolve not to eat the Warden’s bread in the middle of the night, but it’s not really necessary since she started using the microwave oven as a bread drawer. Foiled again, at least until I figure out how to open that thing! I could resolve not to dig in the garbage, but this one is also not necessary since the Warden installed baby-proof latches on the cabinet door where the can is kept. Oh, I know! I will resolve not to scare the Warden by trying to get the cabinet door open, which makes a nice loud bang-bang-bang noise in the middle of the night.

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Of Mice and Cats (an American Classic)

By Rocky Williams

I’m currently serving time at the Fleabag Prison with two other feline felons, so I thought it might be fun to tell you a story from my ‘Verminator’ days. They’re just a memory for me now, because I’m under house arrest for ankle biting, toe nibbling, counter surfing and other unmentionable crimes. Hence, I have nothing but time to tell a little cat-and-mouse tale. Steinbeck, eat your heart out!

Once upon a time, I had a job as Chief Verminator of Rodent Valley, California. It was a wonderful place for felines, but not so much for humans since the mice, rats and gophers outnumbered them by the thousands. Catching a rodent was a daily event for me, but not because I took my job seriously. I mean really…what else did I have to do all day?

So one day I caught a rat and promptly took him inside so the Warden could see what a good job I was doing as Chief Verminator. I hoped she would reward me with some of that yummy FELIDAE kibble I’m crazy for, but when I dropped him at her feet she screamed “Rocky, get that THING out of here!” Her lack of appreciation for my wonderful gift was appalling. I proceeded to play two-paw soccer with my rat, which I’d named Ben, but after awhile I lost interest in this little game and looked away.

Unfortunately, Ben seized the opportunity to make a run for it, and he got away from me! The Warden saw Ben scamper behind the stove. I pretended that I didn’t see anything. Rat? What rat? Hmmm…I didn’t see a rat, did you?  I nonchalantly licked my paws and sauntered away.

The warden, mouth agape, stared at my backside as I ambled out of the room. I think I heard her calling after me. She might have said something like, “Rocky, come back here and get that THING out from behind the stove.” But if she had said that, what did she expect me to do? The space Ben crawled under is one inch at best, and I’m a big lad. I couldn’t fit under there even I’d wanted to go after him, which I didn’t.

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Diary of a Bad Housecat

By Rocky Williams

I would be the first to admit that I’m a bad, bad cat. Apparently when I was made, they were all out of the “good” attributes like self-control, willpower and obedience. All attempts by the Warden to train me have been futile, and I pretty much do what I want, with WHATEVER I want. I just can’t help it. Yeah, that’s my defense and I’m sticking to it.

When I see something I covet, I go after it with no thought to the consequences. Usually, what I want is the Warden’s food. It perplexes her, and she says things like “Rocky, I feed you two square meals a day, plus a handful of those scrumptious TidNips™ treats at bedtime – why do you always act like you’re starving?” Well…allow me to explain.

You see, I absolutely love my FELIDAE cat food, and those TidNips are the tastiest treats I’ve eaten in all my 8 years of cathood. But those things are for CATS, and I want what the Warden is having because it’s for people and thus, it’s forbidden. We all know that when something is forbidden, it becomes infinitely more desirable. It doesn’t matter what the Warden is eating, really; I stop at nothing to get my paws on it.

And that, my friends, is what led to the fateful day the Warden screamed the most awful sentence at me. “Rocky!! I don’t want to EVER see your face again!” she yelled. Oh my. I was in big trouble.

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A Cautionary Tale for Mischievous Kitties

By Rocky Williams

Rocky here, and today I want to share a cautionary tale for all of my feline friends. I shall call it, “Curiosity didn’t kill this cat, but meeeeoooow, my mouth is on FIRE!”

I am what you would call a “nosy” cat. I have to check everything out, and my rule of paw is, “everything in the house belongs to me!”

It’s a simple rule, really…if I find it, it’s mine and I can do whatever I want with it.  That probably explains why the Warden rarely leaves anything out on the kitchen counter, because I confiscate it immediately if it looks like something I might want to eat or play with.

Bag of chips? Mine, all mine! Crackers? Mine. Package of pasta? Mine (but only until I rip open the bag to find out this stuff tastes awful!). Pens and pencils? Mine. Roll of paper towels? Mine – and oh, what a fun toy this is! I bite and claw the roll until all of the paper is shredded and little pieces are everywhere! The only thing better than a roll of paper towels is a new roll of toilet paper placed on the holder for me to unravel square by square.

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How to Make Your Human Do What You Want

By Rocky Williams

I am ecstaticat that my “Warden” is letting me write another guest post here. Well, actually I demanded it, and since I have her wrapped around my little paw, she had to say yes. So today I want to offer a sort of “public service” post for the cats of the world. First things first – all human beans need to click away now – this information is not for you! Don’t make me hunt you down and claw you up, because I will.

Okay…onward. As a cat, I’ve learned many things about how to get my way. Once you understand a few simple rules, your Warden will be putty in your paws, and you’ll be able to do anything you want to.

Rule #1: Be Persistent

When my Warden is lying on her back in bed, her plump tummy makes a very comfy pillow. I climb onto it. “Ooof, Rocky! You’re too heavy,” she says, pushing me off (yes, I am a BIG boy!). Undeterred, I climb back on. She pushes me off, again and again. But here’s the thing: a determined cat will always be able to outlast a human bean. Guaranteed! All you have to do is be persistent, and eventually they will give up. I use this technique for when I want to counter surf too. The Warden knows it’s fruitless to make me get down, because I’ll just get right back up there.


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