Dear Human: (Things Your Cat Wants You to Know)

October 17, 2014

By Rocky Williams, Feline Guest Blogger

Hello! It’s your favorite feline scribe, here to spill the secrets of cats. Well, perhaps not all cats but one in particular – a handsome black mancat that just might be looking at you in the photo to your left. Why yes, that’s me. Aren’t I the best looking furry beast you’ve ever seen?

Oops. I’ve gotten off track already and I haven’t even begun. Today I’m going to discuss some of the things I want my human, aka “Warden,” to know. It might help you understand what your own cat wants you to know, but there’s no guarantee because like snowflakes, no two felines are ever alike. We’re individuals, baby!

Onward. Recently I overheard the Warden telling her friend about this book she was reading. The main character, Brianna, supposedly had psychic abilities; she could “hear” animals talking to her. A friend’s cat was desperately trying to get Brianna to tell his owner he didn’t like his food and wanted something different. Brianna wasn’t comfortable revealing her Dr. Dolittle ability, so she said nothing, but for days she could still hear the cat talking to her and begging her to help him.

I had to laugh, for several reasons. One, it upset the Warden that Brianna didn’t help the distraught cat. I was like, “Warden, it’s a novel! The cat isn’t real.” LOL. Two, every cat knows that when we don’t like our food, our human will be told. They won’t need to be psychic either, because we cats don’t pussyfoot around when it comes to getting the stinky goodness we love (my purrsonal favorites are the CANIDAE grain free Pure recipes).

Suffice it to say, there’s no need for a “Dear Human” note about our cat food. For some other stuff, read on.

???????????????????????????????Dear Human: Yes, in fact, you ARE my servant, put here on earth to cater to my every whim. Don’t you ever forget that one simple rule, and all will be well.

Dear Human: Please quit trying to make me stay off the kitchen counter/dining room table/fireplace mantel/bookshelf. We cats will go where we want, and there isn’t anything you can do to deter us, so just give up already.

Dear Human: When you see me staring all wide eyed at the wall, my gaze is not transfixed on a ghost. I am merely trying to make you think your house is haunted. Guess what? It’s working!

Dear Human: If I see you heading toward the kitchen, I will instantly spring into action. I know where the noms are kept, obviously, so I will try to beat you there every time. Nine times out of ten this results in you tripping over me. For heaven’s sake, get out of my way!

Dear Human: You simply must accept that I like to race around the house all Indy 500-like after I do my business. It feels so good to be unburdened, that I can’t help myself – I need to celebrate! Just let the racecat run his course. I’ll be napping soon enough.

Dear Human: When I put my furry behind in your face, please understand it’s not meant as an insult but as a compliment. Those internet cats like to joke about the “backside of disrespect” but they’re just trying to be funny. I mean no disrespect. Facing away from you means I trust you immensely, and it shows that I want to protect you by keeping an eye on the room. Guard Cat, at your service!

Dear Human: I know sometimes I act like I do not care a lick about you, that you are nothing more to me than the “filler of the food bowl.” What you need to know is that this is all an act. We cats have that haughty image to uphold. That’s all it is. Really, truly, you are my whole world, and I have mad love for you.

Now…go fill my food bowl!

Photos by Julia Williams

Read more articles by Rocky Williams

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Comments

  1. meowmeowmans says:

    Excellent! This is a spot-on primer for the humans, Rocky. Bravo!!!

  2. Connie Marie says:

    This is hilarious

  3. Yep Yep Yep!! All true 🙂 Especially the last bit 😉 xox

  4. those are ok secrets to let out. 🙂 though we aren’t sure you should have spilled about the staring at the wall thing – Ivy likes to do it just to freak out the mom